Thrivers

Black thrive is putting yourself in a space where you can be your true self. I came from the fundraising space where I honestly felt like I always had to come up for air. I was trying to keep up with everybody else and I never really felt as though my authentic self was allowed to be present.

After making the shift to the grant-making space, I feel like I’m positioned in a way where I have the agency to make a difference and do it my way. I feel empowered to question when things feel uncomfortable or flat out wrong. That isn’t just because I became a grant-maker; it’s because I made sure that when I took this role I would lead with authenticity. Much of that came from making room for my Blackness to flourish, even if it made others uncomfortable.

Before, I found myself guilty of code-switching to some degree, to make sure others were comfortable in spaces we occupied together. Now I understand that what I bring to the table—and how I come to the table cannot be dictated by other people’s comfort levels. Thriving for me means feeling comfortable in your own skin, even when others have problems or misconceptions about that skin. I am still on the journey to be better, but I am proud of how far I have come.

I thrive best when I’m having real interactions, real relationships with people. There’s a part of you that gets lost when everything, specifically in your work life is transactional. It seeps into your personal behaviors. You ask, “How are you,” without actually paying attention to the answer.

But there’s a balance. The flip side of being too transactional is being hyper-personal and taking on the burden of how everyone else is feeling around you. I found that, in the past, I would engage with people—friends, colleagues—who would unload at my urging. They would put something down and I would pick it up and take it all around with me, looking for ways to solve their puzzles while still trying to find my way through my own maze. That’s not healthy.

I had to learn how to engage with people authentically while creating and maintaining a safe space for myself. To do that, I had to be honest with myself about what I could take and what I couldn’t. This is how I thrive, and my family plays a large part in that. As a mother of two small Black children, one of the biggest lessons I can teach them is authenticity. This learning should start at home and then when they go out into the community, they have a solid foundation to guide them. I want to be able to look them in the eye at the end of the day and know that I’ve practiced what I preached. How I continue to represent myself with my friends and colleagues should leave me with no regrets when I lay my head down at night, which gives me a great sense of peace. 

It doesn’t mean that every interaction I have will be a positive one. Ever since I was young, I carried myself in a way that led with respect. Even if I disagreed or didn’t like someone, it was an important part of who I am to start and end a relationship—or even a conversation—with respect. But I had to learn to include self-respect in those relationships and conversations as well. That way, neither of us parted with the weight of negativity weighing us down. We don’t need to add to the negativity that already exists in this world.

Because we have to leave something other than an image of struggle for our kids and grandkids. We’re not here forever, but the legacies we leave behind can endure and prosper well after we are gone. My faith is important to me too. We don’t only get faith from religion, but also from the fundamental principles that we know can bring out the best character in ourselves. When my children look at my life, I don’t want them to see a rare accomplishment; I want them to see an accomplishment—or accomplishments—that feel familiar and attainable.

And by accomplishments, I mean excellence. I have seen too often situations where someone praises a Black child for accomplishing something basic because they didn’t think he or she was capable of doing that. While this gives the Black child a sense of pride, it also sets the bar low for excellence. It is our jobs as Black parents to teach our children that they are capable of accomplishing anything they want, not just what is expected of them.

You hope, as a mother, that you’ve laid the proper foundation to succeed. You want to give them all the tools and resources to navigate a complex world filled with invisible barriers that they won’t always immediately see, just because of their skin color. In a thriving Black community, my kids would know that their lives are not one big insurmountable barrier, but a number of smaller obstacles that can all be overcome.

I’ve read studies that show how the policing of young black youth can start in some communities as early as kindergarten or first grade ages. Mothers of young children can commiserate on just about every experience as a shared one, but that is something only Black parents have to prepare their children for, and it isn’t easy. We try to instill values in our kids that strikes the balance between enjoying their childhoods and understanding they may be thrust into some very adult circumstances beyond their control.

Despite that balancing act, I still want my children to believe that they can be successful in whatever way success looks to them. Whether you live in a rural town with very little diversity or you are from a large metropolis, the African diaspora is huge. We are everywhere. Sometimes it’s difficult to imagine our potential when we don’t see it clearly in our immediate communities, but it’s out there. Sometimes we’re surprised when we see someone Black in a place or situation that seems foreign to our ideology of what is Blackness. In a thriving Black community, that becomes less foreign until it is commonplace to see Black people leading a Fortune 500 company or leading an expedition up the Himalayas.

I would first ask the question, who are you surrounding yourself with? Are they friends who are only there for the party or are they people who will help with the cleanup afterwards. Challenge your friends with two simple words: I’m struggling.

Some friends will see it as a challenge for them in how to help you. Other friends will see it as an invitation, to be present for more than just a party but help you find a reason to celebrate as you navigate through life’s challenges.

Also, examine how you react to adversity. We all face hurdles, and there is no one size fits all solution. And this isn’t only about solutions; it’s more about how our body internalizes adversity. If everything you face feels like the end of the world, even when it isn’t, that consumes a lot of energy from the body and mind. When you overreact or even give up, that means you’ve lost focus. When you’ve lost focus, you can’t see how one problem blurs in with another.

To stop that blurring of one challenge into another, I try to find that one manageable exercise to center and refocus myself. For some, it could be meditation or yoga, but it won’t be the same for everyone.  In the past, when I faced adversity, whether in my personal or professional life, I retreated inward. I wouldn’t want to talk to anyone else and I really couldn’t see a way out at that moment. Now, as I get older, I realize that there is a way out. This, too, shall pass. So what am I going to do when it passes? Will I continue where I left off on the forward journey or will I need to rebuild myself after tearing myself down over that I mistakenly believe I couldn’t overcome.

One more thing I want to add that might come off a bit controversially is to not take a cheap approach when it comes to your well-being. If you don’t have a lot of money but you know your space does not even welcome you, do something to change that. Even if it’s just painting a wall or buying a plant. If your space can’t bring you peace, you’re already starting your journey to thrive on a difficult foot.

If you do have some money, prioritize your well-being. Therapy, wellness retreat or even a meditation class. If it’s about the financial side, then hire the help you need. If the end result makes your mind lighter, then it is worth it.